My friends looked at me gravely as if I had herpes or worse, a bald spot. You see, I just informed them the news bulletin of the week – I was going for a Brazilian wax.
“Are you crazy? Do you know how painful it would be?”
“Are you growing a jungle down under?”
“You would be walking like a chicken thereafter.”
Well, chicken walk or not, I wasn’t deterred a mere bit. After all, things were really getting hairy down under. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll grow into an ape. Or a really hairy monkey.
The other day, the Significant Other told me to get down and dirty with her but it took on a whole new literal meaning. I was really down and dirty (read: the foliage needed some clearing). I didn’t feel grime, dirt and bacteria dirty but with so much hair and follicles going on, I certainly felt impure.
And my concerned friends began to question some lingering social stereotypes.
“Don’t men keep their hair?”
“A man is not a man when he has no hair. He will be too…clean.”
As if being clean or hygienic is a crime. While some men argue hair should remain where it’s supposed to remain because keeping their hairy self and whatever follicles and lice would ooze that special thing called masculinity, the last I checked, manhood isn’t measured in strands.
And so I was ready to take the great leap of faith (and pain) for mankind. For the lack of a better term (waxing sounds like hot candle dripping on a naked body), I shall call it ‘deforestation’ – it has a nice, pristine environmental ring to it.
Let the clearing begin.
14 00
I walk into Thomas D’Esthetique with much apprehension, a beauty salon that specialises in hair removal for men. After all, it’s my virgin experience, in hair removal, that is.
14 05
Thomas Tong, a face and body aromatherapist and owner of Thomas D’Esthetique, welcomes me with a glee. Maybe I’m too nervous and paranoid, but I swear it’s a sinister glee that reminds me of my primary school discipline master.
Thomas, who has been doing hair removal treatment for the past 18 years, is in fact the first aromatherapist in town to do hair removal for men. Thus, it’s hardly a surprise he charges at a high rate of $120 and above for his waxing treatments due to his expertise and experience.
14 10
“First time?” Thomas enquires. I nod obediently (maybe he’s really my primary school discipline master). Then he assures me succinctly it would be a nice experience and proceeds to tell me to strip. I freeze for a moment. I never had a man telling me to strip except for the army doctor during a medical check up once. As much as I try to be professional about it, I’m clearly embarrassed.
Imagine yourself completely naked in front of someone you hardly knew and worse, who looked like your school discipline master. And then, there’s the troubling questions in my mind – “Will it hurt?” “How painful?” and more importantly, “Will he laugh at my, um, package?” I digress, but size does matter for men because we can all get rather competitive and insecure.
14 15
I promptly lie down on the table butt naked, like the turkey on my dinner table last Thanksgiving. It makes me nervous. Thomas tells me nicely to relax several times but my muscles are just too tense. Forgive my jitters but I think the turkey didn’t exactly feel pretty relaxed either last Thanksgiving.
Thomas instructs me to turn over and lie face down. I feel a little relieved. At least I’m not out in the open getting a little airing, if you get my drift. Before I can breathe easy, holy smokes, I feel a warm sensation in my butt! Thomas is already applying the hot wax. The feeling is certainly very weird, to have a finger waxing something foreign around your butt but I kinda like the hot wax sensation. Like hot chocolate on a cold rainy day.
Yes, hair grows in the region around the anus for those uninitiated and soon, we’re down to business. Thomas strips away the hair in mere seconds and I can hardly feel any pain.
14 20
Now that my behind is pretty much done, the pain isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be I reckon. I shift over and I’m right out there in full view for Thomas. I decide to talk to Thomas to distract myself from the awkwardness and embarrassment. I ask him about the weather.
He informs me that he’s doing a Hollywood wax, which is a complete removal of hair around the nether regions, unlike a Brazilian wax which involves leaving a vertical strip of hair about two or three fingers in width. I guess it’s good I’m not doing the Brazilian, because the vertical strip sounds like a hedge to me.
Thomas begins at the groin area by applying the hot wax again, which feels good. And then it comes in one fell swoop. He strips away the hair in one masterful stroke using the ubiquitous wax strips. Darn, it hurts. I even jerk my legs a little, as if I just got an electric shock. And perhaps I’m a little trippy from the hot wax and slight pain, but I think Thomas, bless his soul, looks like a band conductor when he removes those wax strips. His gestures were simply grand and operatic. All he lacks is a baton.
14 30
The groin area’s done and completely hairless now. I peer up and like the sight of it. I feel clean. And then, Thomas tells me we’re about to begin on the sensitive part – the area around the penis. I brace myself for what is to come.
The wax strips are smaller this time but the pain is equally the same. I writhe a bit, squirm a little and jerk here and there whenever Thomas removes the strips. Basically, I feel like a half-dead cockroach contorting its limbs sprayed over by Baygon. And then, the critical stage is over, Thomas declares. Or so it seems.
14 40
Thomas explains we’re onto the last stage, which is hair on the testicle. Bollocks. I’m quite sure I won’t be having a – pardon the pun – ball of a time.
The pain I experience in the previous areas cannot be compared to what I’m experiencing now. Thomas gently strips the hair away but I still squirm and jerk – more this time. My friends always remind one another not to get our balls whacked during our regular football sessions. I’m definitely feeling mine’s getting all whacked now.
And then it’s over.
14 50
I examine my newly waxed look. It feels very funny because there’s not a single strand of hair down under! And it certainly looks very clean, pristine and smooth. And another important point to add (men, if you’re reading this, pay attention) – the manhood certainly looks bigger than usual. Pardon my lack of imagination in channelling my thoughts, but I suppose without the foliage, the tree trunk appears larger and clearer than before.
And that, is very good news.
15 00
I thank Thomas for his wonderful and professional services. He goes through the process with me again, explaining in finer details on the products he uses, such as the invisible glove lotion that aromatherapists use these days. He briefly mentions the steps to take after the wax (no hot shower three to four hours after waxing; don’t wear tight underwear etc). Just then, a Caucasian customer walks in and Thomas attends to him. Good luck mate.
And I swear I notice the same sinister glee on Thomas again. Feeling all waxed and cleansed, I walk out of the salon – like a chicken nevertheless.
Thomas D’Esthetique
5 Coleman Street #03-01
Excelsior Hotel & Shopping Centre
Singapore 179805
Tel: 6337 6858
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